Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know