It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
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Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Current mood: Potato
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops