What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral