My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Well, this is awkward
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.