They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus