being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.