It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.