[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
You Might Also Like
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.