there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.