What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I enjoy a good short stor
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.