me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look