I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Ha.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.