Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
okay run it by me one more time
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day