i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”