Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff