Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.