When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547