They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
You Might Also Like
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
this is the best interaction on twitter
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking