[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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knights of the ikea table
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.