you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?