My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
the #horror is real!
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.