construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You Might Also Like
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*