Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.