Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I’m about to risk it all
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment