Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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Simple enough.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Whoa… oh I see lol
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
This headline is a thing of beauty
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”