If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function