I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Thursday
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Green is just blue that someone peed in