Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
This classic never gets old . . .
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them