They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Love is always patient and kind.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Yup
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no