Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!