*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”