It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Ok but actually
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!