gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.