me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz