RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Morning.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
This makes total sense…
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.