Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Finished stitching this today 😇
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck