“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.