My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
And then there were 4
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
this post was so formative to me
everyone has that one prude friend
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames