Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
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*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*