Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
S O O N
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼