When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.