[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.