My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.