*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.