[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
christening a ship with an overripe banana