I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.