I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
worst…sale…ever
Hot Hot Hot
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.