king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x