Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
79.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.