“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion